I Know...

There are so many questions that I don't have answers to...

For five months I've been asking questions in my head.  Questions that until recently had not audibly passed my lips.  Some of those questions finally came out as screams in the car on the night daddy died.  We had left the hospital.  Had to walk out without him.  I can't even begin to describe how hard that was...

Being in separate vehicles, Tim temporarily left his car at the hospital knowing that I was in no state to drive myself to my mom's house.  He picked me up from the hospital entrance and had to pull off to get gas.  As he was standing outside by the car, I slammed my fist down and screamed out with tears streaming down my cheeks, "WHY?!"

"Why did this happen?!"

Tim just stood silently by the car pretending like he had heard nothing--letting me cry it out.

I still don't know why.  I don't know why my dad got sick.  I don't know why he had to leave us at the age of only 57.  I may never know.

When I find my heart getting heavy and burdened by the things I don't have answers to, it helps to focus on the things that I do know...

 I know that he loved his family.  Throughout his illness he repeatedly said that his family, faith, and friends were the three most important things to him.

Since we are on the topic of faith...I know my daddy is in heaven which is of great comfort.  One of the last things he said was that faith was knowing that Jesus would be there to welcome him into heaven.

I know he would want us to be happy.

I know that I will always have my memories of him.  Albeit, each one brings tears to my eyes during this present season of grieving.

I've called his office voice mail everyday since just to hear his voice.  I miss hearing his voice.  I know that I would give almost anything to hear him jokingly say, "Hey there, Miss Priss", just one more time.

I know that we prayed for a miracle, and we saw one on the day of my sister's wedding.  Just days before daddy went to be with Jesus, my sister and her fiance' had made the beautiful choice to move their wedding to the hospital so daddy could attend.  Daddy mustered every ounce of determination and strength that he could to walk his baby girl down the aisle.  It was heart wrenching and beautiful at the same time.  Someone told my husband that my dad's selflessness that day showed him an example of the type of dad he wants to be someday.  A nurse gushed to us that it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.  A hospital maintenance worker cried and told my family how blessed he had been to witness it.  These are just a few of the lives that was forever touched by the events of that day.

I know that my own life has forever been changed.  I look at the world differently now.  I relate to others differently now.

I know that "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."  (Psalm 46:1)

I "know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him."  (Romans 8:28)

I know that I have amazing people in my life who have been lifting my family up in prayer.

I know that God will answer those prayers and provide peace, comfort, and purpose at a time when we need those things the most.

I know my faith will never be shaken!

I know I will see him again someday...